TCATS #403 - My Two Bits on Conference

In my post last week, I mentioned how difficult things have been in returning to Choir. Mainly because the return was not at all what I had envisioned the return to be. The covid protocols have added, for me, a sense of isolation and oppressiveness to the experience. And while I know the Church has put all of these measures in place for safety purposes (and to emphasize to the public that we're taking every possible precaution), there are just a few things that logically don't make sense in my brain and continue to weigh on me. Just one example: one would think that if a person is vaccinated AND has just barely had a negative covid test minutes/hours before, that he/she wouldn't have to wear a mask around other people who are also vaccinated and just had a negative covid test.  Right? And if we're singing without the mask (which is the time when we're breathing the hardest and spewing saliva particles to those around us), why would wearing the mask when we're just sitting there (and not breathing hard or spewing particles) be necessary?

But, I digress. I don't want this to be about covid. Because today I really tried hard to put all that aside and focus on other things. Which, by the way, made all the difference.

What "other things" you ask?

Well, for starters, I started talking to people despite the distancing and despite the masking. And it was good to talk to people. I've missed it. The last couple of rehearsals we've had, I pretty much kept to myself. But that made the isolation imposed by the mandated distancing and masks even worse. So today, I tried to smile at people with my eyes and at the very least, greet them with a "hello" or a "good to see you!" I had some good full on conversations with people during the breaks and during lunch, too. Part of the Choir experience I know and love is the social component. And if you take that away--that human connection we all need--the experience is severely degraded.

Another thing was focusing on the music itself of course. Soooo many words to get right today! My synaptic pathways in my brain were doing their best to recall what I had spent hours both in rehearsals and at home memorizing. I thought of the meaning of the words, too. Which is always important. If I think about them and internalize them, then when I sing them, I feel that internalization process somehow adds to the music and allows it to work its magic in people who are listening.

Yet another thing was focusing on the talks that were being given. That was a hit and miss experience. But there were some talks that truly spoke to my heart, and I appreciate the opportunity I had to feel the Spirit and subsequently have a desire to be a little bit better in various aspects of my life. 

The last thing I felt made a difference was looking ahead. I don't know how long these covid protocols will be a part of our choir experience. But I cannot see them lasting forever. And looking forward to that day when we can just all come and do what we did before (and how we did it before) is something to happily anticipate. Don't get me wrong though. Although that day will come, we will never go back to how things exactly were before. That's because we've all changed. We appreciate things more. We've all had experiences these past 19 months that have shaped our beliefs, our perceptions, and our overall dedication. 

But leaving behind the distancing, the masks, and the covid testing? Yeah, I definitely will not miss those things when they're gone. 

Anyway. Overall the experience today was not great. But it was good. It was in the right direction.
Better than I thought it would be.
So I'll take it.

One last thing. 

My heart goes out to those members of the Church who are deeply struggling with how the Church's leadership has handled the pandemic. Those struggles were not addressed specifically today in Conference and I know that was a disappointment to them. Hopefully the answers they seek and the peace they are desperately trying to find will come to them.

Until next time, God be with you.

PS: rehearsals with the entire Choir start up this coming Thursday and Music & the Spoken Word broadcasts will start up again very soon.

TCATS #402 - 555 (Singing Again)

555 refers to the number of days that the Tabernacle Choir has been in "pause" mode. But that pause came to an end this past Thursday night (and this morning) as the Sunday Conference session group came together to make music once more (the Saturday session group met on Tuesday). 

I'm not exactly sure what to say about it all. And I've kind of been dreading this moment of trying to document my emotions and feelings. So I ask for your patience as I work through this post.

Perhaps it would be best to first focus on what I was grateful for within this "return" experience.

I was grateful to sing in a large ensemble again. Truly. There's nothing like it.

I was grateful to be directed by Mack and Ryan again. I've missed them. 

I was grateful, once seated in the choir seats with our masks off, to look around and see people's faces. It was almost like we had never had the pandemic pause at all. But looking more intently, it was evident that time really had passed and people had changed. Their eyes seemed to tell their story.

I was grateful for the music memorizing I've been working hard on. That preparation paid off during the rehearsal. 

And I was grateful to have walked into the Conference Center with my friend Ryan B. who will be retiring just as soon as the Choir leadership gets that scheduled. I'll miss him. Glad he gets one more Conference to sing at.

As I've tried to put my finger on exactly what was hard about going back, I don't feel like I've come to any conclusions that I can fully communicate with words. It's true I didn't like wearing a KN95 mask and I didn't like getting a covid test (or waiting in anticipation for the results) and I didn't like all of the distancing. But beyond that, I think the pandemic has encased my heart with layers of bitterness. Bitterness caused by shutdowns, life modifications, disappointments, inconveniences, and so many questions with no clear answers. So, with anything that has layers, my bitterness ones will take some time to unpeel. 

I noticed one more thing, too.

A sense that I didn't belong. That I wasn't worthy to be there. Which perhaps was rooted in the never-good comparison game that my mind tried hard not to play, but did anyway. There were choir members who were totally and enthusiastically thrilled to be back, with smiles beaming on their faces, who had prayed in earnest for the return-day to come, who had fully supported the covid protocols (whatever it takes!), who had been gracious and kind-hearted towards those making decisions, and who had personally prepared spiritually. 

And then there was me. Who belonged in some other struggling, broken camp.

I don't know. I'm all jumbled up. Maybe what my heart is saying right now is found in one of the pieces we're performing. And I'll just end with those lyrics.

"Where can I turn for peace? Where is my solace? When other sources cease to make me whole? When with a wounded heart, anger or malice; I draw myself apart searching my soul."

Until next time, God be with you.

TCATS #401 - Winding the Clock

Wind-up clocks, just like wind-up music boxes or toys, have the potential to be wound too much. There's this sometimes hard to figure out "sweet spot" of winding just enough so that the device runs at peak efficiency, but not over-winding it--which can lead to device failure (and it needing repair). Most people who observe a wind-up clock might not even know it runs by someone needing to wind it. They just look at the clock and not only appreciate that it tells the time, but they expect it to tell the time and to tell it accurately.

I feel sort of like a wind-up clock. 

I feel like all of these covid protocols that I'll be complying with first-hand this coming Thursday night for my first rehearsal will either be just enough or they'll be too much. 

I think there comes a point when restrictions and protocols make things feel so "tight" that you can no longer enjoy what you hope to enjoy or feel what you hope to feel. And just like there are different winding mechanisms, each with different winding limitations, so each person has different levels of emotional capacities and limitations in a potentially over-wound environment. 

I don't know how Thursday night will go. I've envisioned how it will mechanically go, but I don't know how it will emotionally go. But, I've committed to singing in the upcoming General Conference (Sunday session) and will do my best to memorize the music, to pray for a good experience, and to follow the seven-layer covid protocol (which was actually officially released to the public to know about). If after doing that though, I've discovered that the Tabernacle Choir singing experience is not what I personally need it to be in my life right now, then I'll likely apply for an official excused leave until society has learned to live with Covid--just like it lives with other viruses, illnesses, and health-impacting risks. 

That all said, I will hope for the best and will go into this experience with an optimistic attitude. The part I need to play right now is to memorize. So just as I've been doing that this past week, I will continue to do it from now until October 3rd.  

After that?

I will analyze how it went, how I felt, and if I was able to effectively contribute legitimate and authentic hope and peace while I sang. 

If I wasn't able to do THAT, then I'll need to initiate a self-imposed pause until such time as I can contribute again in meaningful and expected ways.

Until next time, God be with you.

TCATS #400 - Processing the Protcols

I'm hesitant to write this post because of the internal conflict going on within me. 

I feel like I'm probably the only one in the Choir who feels the way I feel. If there are others, I don't know who they are. But I can understand why they wouldn't make themselves known.

We had a meeting on Thursday in which the Choir Presidency, along with health care professionals within the Choir organization, the Choir directors, and other staff members, laid out a plan. The plan included several procedures we'd all need to follow if we wanted to sing in the Choir again. 

The Plan included the following seven layers:

1. Vaccination - uploading a digital copy of our covid vaccination card to the Choir admin team to prove that we are vaccinated.

2. Screening - examining our personal health and if we or any of our family members are immunocompromised, refraining from participating in the choir at this time.

3. Testing - arriving at every rehearsal or performance an hour early to undergo a rapid covid test. If we pass the test, we can sing. If not, we'll be excused.

4. Social Distancing - sitting one seat apart each from each other when we sing and keeping our distance from other choir members at other appropriate times.

5. Face Coverings - when not actively singing, wearing a K95 mask at all times after entering the Conference Center/Tabernacle. 

6. Self-Reporting - staying home if we're not feeling well, or staying home if anyone else in our household isn't feeling well.

7. Ventilation - singing in the Conference Center instead of the Tabernacle since the former has the better air flow/circulation system.

Overall, we were asked to be patient, to go forward with faith, to follow this plan with exactness, and to be prepared for future "pauses" if this plan needs adjusting. 

There was also a Q&A session to answer the multiple questions coming through on the chat section of the Zoom meeting. Only about four questions were answered (out of maybe 20 or so?) but we'll be getting a Q&A document that will cover all the questions asked. Some questions included asking about T-Cell tests (to take the place of the vaccination requirement), details on how the testing would work, protocols for carpooling, what to do if arriving late, etc. 

After the meeting, as I sat there in sort of a numb daze, I yearned to be one of those people who seemed to be completely on-board with the plan and ready to make whatever sacrifice was necessary to get back to singing. But I just kept thinking "really? is this all really necessary?" 

I longed to have a warn fuzzy feeling inside testifying that it was all as it should be. 

But whether I get that feeling or not, the part of me that desires to sing again will have to be enough to propel me forward. I just hope that in time, instead of merely complying, I'll comply with faith. 

So here's to hoping.

Until next time, God be with you.

TCATS #399 - Together, Not Apart

I started watching a Hulu mini-series that came out recently titled "9/11: One Day in America". The official description of the series reads as follows: "One Day in America tells the in-depth story of September 11th through the eyes of the witnesses, heroes and survivors. Made in collaboration with the 9/11 Memorial & Museum to mark the 20th anniversary, this major new series charts the tragic day in unprecedented detail – from the first plane hitting the north tower to the last survivors being rescued from the rubble."

Even after I started watching it though, part of me didn't want to continue watching it. Several parts of even the first episode caused many emotions to well up within me and tears to spring to my eyes. While I didn't lose anyone I personally knew that day, I lost fellow American brothers and sisters whose lives had meaning. And it was terribly sad to re-live that reality all over again--now nearly 20 years later. 

Of course the good that came from that tragedy was a greater feeling of unity. It was as if the title of our country--the UNITED States of America--actually reflected how we as American felt towards one another. I remember distinctly feeling that way and hearing from family members and friends that they felt that way too. 

It was with some interest, then, that I read a USA Today article titled "9/11 brought a sense of national unity. Why has the pandemic been marred by division?" The article starts off by saying "Bad times bring out the best in people. It must be true. Otherwise, it wouldn't be a cliché.  On the other hand, maybe clichés, like doctors, should be re-certified every once in a while. Does flattery really get you nowhere? Have good things ever come to those who wait?  Do bad times really make us better people? The 20th anniversary of 9/11 – occurring in the 18th month of the COVID-19 pandemic – offers a reality check. Also, a sobering study in contrasts.  Because if 9/11 brought us together, COVID seems to be tearing us apart."

In response to that "tearing us apart" reality check, the Tabernacle Choir and Orchestra at Temple Square will be airing a special Music & the Spoken Word episode titled "9/11: Coming Together". I don't think the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who sponsors the Choir, is thinking that just by airing this special there will be some massive movement to abandon division and adopt unity. Rather, I think the title is inviting all of us to "celebrate compassion, caring, and unity" and to "remind us of the goodness that connects all of us and of what happens when we reach out to help each other." (See official program description, HERE and trailer HERE)

I invite you all to watch the special (which actually airs at 8:46AM on 9/11; and again on Sunday, 9/12 at 9:30AM) and to ask yourself "what more can I do to show love and promote unity?" Perhaps as you listen to the music and hear the words in this program, you might feel inspired as to how best to answer that question.

Until next time, God be with you.

TCATS #398 - Together Again + New Start Date

I rode into the Tabernacle with my carpool buddies on Thursday night and as we actually walked onto Temple Square, there was a large number of choir members just standing around talking to one another instead of heading towards the doors to go in. At first I thought that maybe they hadn't opened the doors yet, but then I realized that many just wanted to relish in the opportunity to socialize! After all, it had been over 18 months since we had seen each other and I think we all just wanted to soak it in. After catching up with people and giving lots of hugs, we put on our masks, went inside, and sat on the benches (socially distanced of course). I sat next to my friends Wes and Ryan. 

The meeting consisted of several individuals sharing their thoughts and testimonies. We heard from Bishop Caussé of course, who was presiding, and we heard from outgoing President Ron Jarrett and his wife, and then heard from the incoming presidency, including new President Leavitt and his wife, along with the two newly called counselors. Having an actual presidency, similar to presidencies in other church organizations, is new to the Tabernacle Choir. But it makes sense to follow the same pattern. Plus, I'm sure the whole Tabernacle Choir organization will benefit from having a full presidency since there's always a lot going on in the background to make things operate smoothly. 

You can read about (and watch excerpts of) the meeting HERE and HERE, if you're interested.

I think my favorite part was just being able to sing together. Yes, we were masked. And no, we weren't in the loft as usual.  But it was still nice to sing an opening hymn ("Called to Serve") and closing hymn ("God Be With You 'Till We Meet Again) and hear each others' voices again. 

The current plan is to start rehearsals on 9/21. And whirlwind rehearsals they will be as we will only have a couple of weeks to prepare all of the music for upcoming General Conference. The way THAT is working, is they are dividing the choir in half for any given session. That way, we can sit every other seat and try and maintain some distancing. We have yet to be told which session each of us will be singing in. But that should be forthcoming, soon I'd think.

After the conclusion of the meeting, we picked up some additional music from our music lockers and headed for home. Despite the disappointment of not having the night be what we had all hoped it would be (a return to singing), I can't deny that it was nice to be all together again. And barring any significant changes in covid, we're less than a month away from actually being able to sing.

In the words of President Leavitt:  "We need to resume performances. For nearly a year and a half, COVID-19 and its variants have interrupted our progress. Well, the time has come for us to reboot our work."

Until next time, God be with you.

TCATS #397 - Yes, Another Delay

With only a week to go before finally returning to the Tabernacle to sing again, members of the Tabernacle Choir were essentially given a "just kidding!" notice on Friday. It came as no surprise. I had heard earlier in the week that the multicultural choir that was going to sing at one of the October 2021 sessions of conference was essentially cut in half to allow for increased social distancing while singing. And from a common sense perspective, how would it look if the Choir resumed normal practices and performances when the First Presidency has been urging masks and distancing again? That wouldn't fly. 

Still, even with anticipating another delay, it was sad to hear. 

All of the details regarding the delay can be found HERE. I just have a few things I wanted to comment on.

First, the Choir IS returning to the Tabernacle this coming Thursday not to sing, but to attend a mini-devotional to honor the outgoing Choir President (Pres. Jarrett) and to officially welcome Bro. and Sis. Leavitt as the new presidents. I have mixed feelings about attending. Mainly because our return to the Tabernacle was supposed to be to sing and resume our musical missionary callings. Now we'll be going back for a different reason, and we won't even get to be physically close to each other or see each other's faces.  That said, I'm still planning to go--mainly so that I can sincerely show my thanks to President Jarrett and all he did for the Choir during his tenure. 

Second, I have some deep concerns about how things will look when we DO go back to sing, after reading this:

"During the delay in the resumption of rehearsals, Choir leadership in consultation with a distinguished team of scientists, physicians, and public health experts will be completing a detailed set of policies and operating procedures. This Choir COVID Plan is designed to make rehearsing and performing as safe as reasonably possible while pandemic conditions continue. Choir leaders anticipate that online training in Choir COVID Plan procedures will be conducted in early to mid-September with the implementation of these procedures shortly thereafter to permit resumption of rehearsals for planned Choir participation in the Church’s October general conference."

Will we need to distance and wear masks when rehearsing?
Will we be split into smaller groups?
Will we have staggered starts and stops to avoid crowding the hallways and dressing rooms?
Most importantly, will the Choir experience still be familiar enough from a physical, social, and spiritual connected-ness standpoint that my love of being a part of it, prevails?
 

Giving credit where credit is due, I AM thankful that at least the Church is coming up with a plan to get the Choir back together. Because in all reality, it's likely that another covid variant is just around the corner. And the sooner society (and the Church) just learns to live with covid (like we live with other viruses and health threats), the sooner we can start to truly live again without this emotional yo-yo or roller-coaster of delays, false starts, intrusive adjustments, and unmet expectations.

Until next time, God be with you.