TCATS #421 - Soon to Be Whole Again

As I've mentioned before, there's a subset of individuals in the Choir, Bells, and Orchestra at Temple Square that have been waiting and waiting to rejoin us. The Choir Presidency has not allowed them to come back and fulfill their calling because they are unvaccinated against covid-19. Some of these individuals cannot be vaxxed because of various health conditions. Some have followed the Church's own handbook that says members are to "make their own decisions about vaccination...,counsel with competent medical professionals and also seek the guidance of the Holy Ghost"--and after following that counsel, felt a confirmation not to be vaxxed. Regardless, all of them have been spending a great deal of time waiting and wondering and hoping. 

Thankfully, in our choir announcements on Friday, the Choir Presidency made the announcement that our unvaxxed brothers and sisters will finally be able to return:

"The Choir Presidency has concluded it is time to invite all members of the Choir, regardless of vaccination status, to return to the loft and stage. Returning members of the Choir, Orchestra, and Bells may begin attending rehearsals on Thursday, April 14 and may begin participating in performances on Sunday, April 24."

Woohoo! I was so, so happy about this!  Ever since October last year when the Choir started moving forward again, it's been difficult not to feel this "incomplete" feeling and to continually remember how difficult it's been for our fellow unvaxxed friends to sit on the sidelines. A few texted me on Friday expressing how happy they were and shedding tears of joy of having this long wait finally come to a close.

I don't know if the Presidency will make mention of them on April 14th or not. I would hope so. But regardless, I hope they receive a warm welcome from the rest of us who have eagerly awaited their return.  Indeed, I hope they feel they are on the receiving end of the hymn lyrics we've sung many times before:

As I have loved you,
Love one another.
This new commandment:
Love one another.
By this shall men know
Ye are my disciples,
If ye have love
One to another.

Until next time, God be with you.
 

TCATS #420 - April 2022 Conference

Here are my top 10 highlights from April 2022 General Conference (in no particular order):

10. Seeing the excitement, nervousness, and humility of those in the choir who's first conference this was. I was introduced to several of them, talked to a few of them (nice to meet you Matt, Patrick, and Alberto), and noticed many of them. It's fun to remember back to my first conference--to re-live those emotions  and try and recapture that energy. 

9. Sitting next to my good friends Ben and Siope. Ever since our new seating manager re-took our height measurements, I've been moving to higher rows and sitting next to people I used to sit next to many years ago. Anyway, it was a privilege singing next to them and I had several good friends right in front of me as well. Surrounded by love!

8. Hearing first-hand how it feels to go through someone's last conference. My dear friend Ryan is retiring from the choir in a few weeks and he related to me how he was feeling about this being his last conference to sing in. (I'll highlight Ryan in a future post)

7. Having donut holes to consume during the break before the morning session. I was really hungry and those hit the spot. Thanks to whoever provided them!

6. Being a part of Choir history as this was the first General Conference where the Choir sang everything memorized. A couple of weeks ago, we were told we'd be able to hold music for "I Love to See the Temple" and "Iron Rod" because they were brand new arrangements. However, after all of the rehearsing, we felt we had the notes down well enough to sing them both by memory. So we did. Granted, we did have a teleprompter for all of conference music. But as I mentioned before, the teleprompter does not give us notes, pitch, rhythm, etc. 

5. Talking with Siope a few minutes here and a few minutes there during our "waiting to rehearse or perform" breaks about what we were thinking and how we were feeling. We took a minute to acknowledge choir members who have not yet been invited back because of their vax status. Love you guys!

4. Hearing very positive feedback from both Mack and Ryan on our performances. Always feels good to know our hard work is paying off.

3. Being thankful for all of the volunteers who help make conference a reality. Everything from the flower arrangements (thanks Andrew!), to the parking attendants, to the teleprompter people, to those providing us lunch, to the security people, and the many who usher and kindly assist. And of course, a very special thanks to our awesome organists. They are amazing.

2. Having good conversations with several of my buddies. 

1. Getting to sing inspiring music and hear inspiring messages. I'm not sure which of the songs we sang was my favorite. I really liked the two newly-arranged songs. But "It Is Well With My Soul" is always a favorite. I was hoping that singing that one today would help in the process of making my heart soft again. But while that didn't happen, I was able to see it emotionally affect many people around me. Regardless, I hope the music helped at least one person today. If it did, all the work we put in was worth it.

Special thanks as always to my family and their support. They are the best.

Until next time, God be with you.

TCATS #419 - The New People

While the past couple of years have been challenging for seasoned choir members in various ways, it's certainly been rough for the newer members of the choir. You have the "new" choir members that began their journey in January of 2020 whose experience was cut short just three months later. Then you have the new members who joined in January of this year--though technically they didn't start in January because of the additional "pause" the Choir went on until March 3rd. The ones who joined in 2020 got thrown into the learning curve fire as they had all of these pieces to learn for Oct 2021 General Conference, the MSW broadcasts, and the Christmas Concert. And now the 2022 new people have only had a few weeks to learn music for the April General Conference which is only one week away. 

The 2022 people, once Conference is over, will have some additional time to complete Choir School and Chorale and won't have to worry too much (at least for now) about learning so many new pieces week to week. But the 2020 people continue their learning curve which has only been exacerbated by the new goal to memorize almost every piece of music we sing so that the audience has more of an opportunity to look into our eyes.

This is all to say that I have great empathy for them. I've been so consumed internally about things going on in my own choir experience that I sort of forgot about them. But today, as all of the new 2022 people sat off to the side to observe MSW and to participate in the extra rehearsal afterwards, their challenges (along with the 2020 newbies) were ones I thought more about. I also felt a bit ashamed that I haven't been praying for them and their challenges. Which is the least I can do.

As I was walking back to the music lockers after rehearsal today, I overheard a conversation between two of the 2020 newbies. They were talking about how many hours they had rehearsed at home just to prepare for today's MSW broadcast. One of the guys spent over two hours on just one piece alone-- "Their Sound is Gone Out Into All Lands" (by Handel). It all reminded me that yes, I do need to pray more for my choir family. And yes, I need to be more grateful for the fact that usually, I can show up to Choir, sing most of the pieces by heart, and only have to occasionally spend minimal time at home learning our songs.

Some interesting tidbits for the week:

*We had a distinguished guest join us at Thursday night's rehearsal. His name was Dmytro Kushnerukhe and he is one of the Consulate Generals of Ukraine (stationed in San Francisco). As he was announced, all those in the room rose to their feet and gave him quite a warm welcome.

*While we haven't had time to prepare for a traditional live Easter Concert, there's a special streaming Easter Celebration on April 10th at 10:00AM. Details HERE.

*The next choir retirement is coming up in April (to say goodbye to those who were supposed to retire in 2020). And then we'll have another one in the Fall for those who were supposed to retire in 2021.

Have a nice week everyone. And if there's someone that maybe you've forgotten to pray for lately, maybe start praying for them again. :)

Until next time, God be with you.

TCATS #418 - High Praise #2 + Just Plain Weird

It was a pretty good week in Tabernacle Choir land.

And even though Thursday's rehearsal started off with some very triggering/frustrating moments--which didn't set a very great tone for the rest of evening--focusing on the music itself and thinking about why exactly I was there, really helped.

Today's Music & the Spoken Word went very well and for the 2nd time in my Tabernacle Choir career, I heard Mack say at the conclusion of the program, "It couldn't have gone better." Mack has been very happy about our performances lately--particularly with seeing our eyes and faces more now that we've been utilizing the teleprompter and have little need to look down at our music. While there are downsides to the teleprompter which I've already talked about previously, it certainly does allow our countenances to more fully share our testimonies of Christ.

My favorite song of the day was the first one and the last one. The first one was "All Creatures of Our God and King" and it gave me all the feels. I particularly honed in on the lyric "Ye light of evening find a voice." Why that lyric, you ask? Well for me, it's symbolic of those who may not have a really bright light to share, but find a way to share it anyway in meaningful and significant ways.

The last song was a new one called "Lift Up Your Hearts", which was originally arranged by Mack for a specific out-of-state choir. The members of that choir were listening in this morning knowing that that we'd be performing that song. So it was kind of fun to envision them all tuning in. 

We did have a live audience this morning of maybe 100 people or so. Always great to have someone we can actually see as we perform! I think most of us in the Choir were expecting to finally sing our signature closing piece "God Be With You" after the program was over. But then, something just plain weird happened.

With no warning, Mack said "OK, we're now going to sing the happy birthday song to KSL" and then proceeded to quickly sing it for us just so there'd be no question as to how it was supposed to go. So we just launched into singing happy birthday to KSL (a local TV/radio station) right after we had just ended MSW on such a spiritual note. The whole time I was thinking, "So we traded what could have been a very impactful song for the audience for what felt like some commercial?"

It didn't stop there though. 

Following our happy birthday singing, Mack announced we needed to speak the words....oh shoot! I now forget what they were! Something like "Thanks for all you do Mark". That wasn't it, but it was something random like that--for a person we didn't know (at least I didn't). After THAT, the audience started filing out and we continued with our extra rehearsal.

Sometimes the Choir does do weird stuff--and it's been awhile since we have. So I guess we were due.

At any rate, in closing I wanted to mention some nice things people said to me today. Steve, on my left, showed genuine concern and asked how my eye was doing. Later, Jay, on my right, said I have facial expressions while I sing that he thought were great (my wife always says that too--so kudos to her as well). Wes gave me a fist bump and said he was glad to see me today. And Ben and Willy thanked me for driving. 

Sometimes it's the little things that have the biggest impact.

Until next time, God be with you.

TCATS #417 - Back to Normal*

Due to a bad eye infection this past week, I chose not to participate in choir. So I don't have a lot to say about the actual choir experience this time. However, I did want to share a few thoughts I had which aren't too terribly related, but perhaps worth sharing anyway.

The first relates to our renewed efforts to be more intentional missionaries (which is one of the new directives of the Choir). One way I can do that is to promote recent streaming playlists that have been created--which give listeners new opportunities to listen to the music of the Choir with certain themes in mind. The official Choir blog mentioned it awhile back, but I wanted to highlight it myself and point you to the latest playlist created on Spotify called "Meditate with the Tabernacle Choir". You can bring up that playlist by clicking HERE. While I have not gotten into a great habit yet of mediating daily, I do recognize the value of meditation. And this playlist (which promises "calm and relaxing songs") can be one of the tools you can use to achieve your meditation goals. Each month the Choir will create a new themed playlist, so be sure and click on the "Follow" button at the Choir's Spotify home page to be notified of when new playlists and overall new content are published. 

Switching to another topic....

A friend in the choir texted me minutes after the rehearsal started Thursday night to say that we would no longer have to be covid tested each time we came to the Tabernacle to rehearse or perform. So that was happy news. With testing gone and masks gone, I suppose the choir experience is returning to "normal" at long last.

A part of me though wants to cry out "But wait! Does someone want to acknowledge mistakes that were made? The pain that was caused? The emotional turmoil inflicted? How about mentioning the subset of choir/orchestra/bells individuals who still can't be with us to share their light and their testimony because they chose to do what they felt was right in abstaining from vaccination? What about them? While the choir carries on, they continue to hurt and live with a level of frustration that few can relate to. What about the people who felt backed into a corner to get vaxxed/boosted and who are still working to resolve bitter feelings they have? Simply moving on after a 20 second announcement is a very unrealistic thing to expect of them. Yes, is there a need to take up the cross and secure our hands firmly on the tether of forgiveness? Absolutely. Being a Christian demands that of us. But it's not easy.  It takes time. It takes faith. And a lot of prayer."

I get it. Most people (and choir members) are ready to leave the pandemic far behind them. And while I really don't want to talk about it anymore myself and instead focus on helping heal people throughout the world through music (as we all need healing for one reason or another), I reserve the right to still bring up the topic most people have moved on from in an effort to help me and help others arrive at a place they long to be.

So bear with me, please.

Until next time, God be with you. 

TCATS #416 - An Historic Three

Before expressing some feelings about where I'm at with Choir, I wanted to share three reasons why today's performance was significant.

First, it was almost two years from today since the Tabernacle Choir performed in the actual Tabernacle. And I must say, it was nice to be back in our "home". The Conference Center has its perks, but I'd take the Tabernacle any day. 

Second, it was the first time that Music & the Spoken Word had a shortened introduction. 30 seconds shorter, to be exact. It was funny because a couple of months ago as I was watching an episode of MSW, I actually remember thinking that the intro was a bit long because Lloyd Newell had oodles of time to announce all he needed to announce, with plenty of time left over. Anyway, a good change.

Third, it was announced Thursday night that masks were now OPTIONAL!! And THAT, my friends, was the best music my ears heard all night. I'll refrain from making any comments on the timing of this (which seemed to coincide nicely with the trustworthy CDC reswizling their data points and measuring methods--all suspiciously right before the State of the Union address... But wait, I digress!) Walking into Choir this morning without a mask and seeing everyone's faces was a treat.

Oh, and I suppose there could be a fourth reason why today's performance was significant. After our performance, Mack said "Thank you. It could not have gone any better." 
Let me tell you, there's no higher praise that can come from Mack Wilberg.

As for how I felt today. 

Hmm.

It's always so complicated these days.

I think it will all take some time. For me, unmasking was a significant step in my healing process. So over the course of the next few weeks, I think I'll feel happier to be there and more able to fulfill my calling. Part of me felt guilty today for being there at all. I happened to sit in front of a brother who kept saying (at least five times) "It's so good to be with you brethren." or "This music is absolutely beautiful. It's such an honor to sing it with you." or "Aren't we so blessed to have this opportunity."

Don't get me wrong. I was grateful for his comments. But while I'm trying really hard to feel the same way, I'm not quite there yet.

There was a moment during the rehearsal that I actually felt that comforting "tingly" feeling that I sometimes get when the Spirit is testifying of something true. It didn't last long. I was hoping to hold on to it for longer, but just as soon as it came, it was gone. 

I felt gratitude when my friend Ryan offered to help me with my music library duties. He's a good friend and I appreciated his help today since my normal library partner was out.

I don't know...I still feel some measure of sadness, of resentment, and confusion about a lot of different things. But perhaps time and prayer will help that.

At any rate, if you tuned in to watch/listen to today's performance, thank you. And a special shout out to both my new friend in Ohio (who left some very helpful comments last week) and to my wife--who continues to support and encourage and give me space as I navigate the complexities of this Choir experience.

Until next time, God be with you.

TCATS #415 - Returning, Take 2

I had a few thoughts I wanted to share with all of you with as much honesty and transparency as I can muster. 

First, we're headed back this coming Thursday, March 3rd, to start rehearsing again. We'll also be resuming our weekly Sunday program Music & the Spoken Word and will be preparing for our Church's General Conference to commence the first week of April. While I always enjoy the opportunity to sing, returning to sing with the Tabernacle Choir has been quite an arduous decision for me. 

It's been no secret that all of the Covid protocols we've had to follow in order to start singing again have taken their toll on me emotionally. Many of those protocols are ones that I haven't personally agreed with and there have been some that have put me into a bubbling lava pool of cognitive dissonance. As much as I've tried to focus on the music itself and sharing my testimony through song, my mind has had a hard time finding that focus--let alone maintaining it. I've really really tried. But it just hasn't worked very well. 

When the Choir presidency announced a few weeks ago that we'd have to receive the Covid booster shot to come back and start singing again, I was really upset. For two main reasons. One, when my wife got her booster shot several months ago, it caused several side-effects that were very concerning. Heart palpitations, panic attacks, internal vibrations, and depression, to name the main ones. Doctors we saw didn't have any explanations and worse, didn't know how to best treat any of the symptoms she was experiencing. Fortunately her health has improved as of late and she's done a really great job of learning how to manage the symptoms that persist. But as you can probably imagine, after seeing all of this and going through these trials with my wife, I of myself was not anxious to get the booster in the least! Second, I truly felt in my heart of hearts that I did not NEED the booster. And for a Church that strongly believes in agency, I felt a bit like I was being held hostage, with coercion being the game I did not want to play. 

After some long wrestles with God, after talking in-depth with my wife, after spending a few hours walking around the temple, after weighing pros and cons, and after trying my best to clear my mind and heart and "hear HIM", I came to the conclusion that I should proceed with getting the booster--that God still wanted me in the Choir for some reason and He'd offer the help I needed. 

So, I followed that conclusion with its accompanying assurances and tried not to look back.

Some days I do better at that than others.

At any rate, I'm going to try and ignore the feelings I get from the excessive testing, wearing the (IMO) unnecessary masks, and following the counsel to distance, and again work hard to just focus on the music itself. If somebody out there needs to hear my testimony of Christ through music, then I want to be there for that person. And perhaps if I try and envision that person out there, somewhere, who will resonate uniquely with my personality, my strengths, my weaknesses, my beliefs, my challenges, my fears--everything that makes me, me, then maybe I can be more successful in blocking out the disappointment, the confusion, and the dissonance. 

Hopefully.

That all said, and switching topics, the other Choir news as of late came by way of some new initiatives the Choir presidency announced--and which I'm sure you've all read about. While I'm conceptually grateful for what changes these initiatives will bring (particularly the global/diversity focus), I don't have much more to say on them because no real details have been announced. In other words, for now we'll continue doing what we've always done and as the months go by, actual changes in what we do or how we do it, will be implemented (with commentary on them provided by yours truly). 

Sigh.

OK. I think that's all I have for you today. Take good care of yourselves and take good care of each other. And until next time, God be with you.