TCATS #498 - The End

My friends.
The time has come to say goodbye. 😢

Today I officially ended my ten+ years in the Tabernacle Choir at Temple Square. My journey out of the Choir is a complicated one and probably a story best suited for another time. But if you've been a faithful reader of this blog, you've probably been able to identify most of the elements that have contributed to my sooner-than-once-expected departure. In March of this year, it became clear to me that I would leave sometime during 2024. And shortly after that, I hatched a specific plan to leave near the end of September-- which would have allowed me to go on one last tour and to sing a few more times in the Tabernacle. But a couple of weeks ago, that plan was rather abruptly and emotionally altered and I knew I could no longer stay.

So, as quietly as possible, and after 1000+ rehearsals and 500+ performances, I left right after today's broadcast while everyone else stayed to rehearse tour music.  After saying hello to my pseudo-nephew Garrett who was in town (and is a huge Choir fan!), I made sure the suits I had worn were free of anything in their pockets; I turned in all of my music; and I left my security badge and car pass in my music locker. I then walked through the Tabernacle halls one last time, accompanied by my good friend Siope, taking a few mental snapshots with my mind and remembering back to those many times I had felt happy and excited to be there. After some good discussion with Siope and after Willy (who I drove in with) was done with his Spirit of God rehearsal, I drove out of the parking lot for the last time and headed home.

Amidst the sadness of today, I also felt a lot of deep gratitude in my heart. Specifically, gratitude for....

1. The People. There were several individuals who I became very close friends with during my time in the Choir. There were others who consistently said hello, gave me a smile, and asked how I was doing every time they saw me. And then there were those who I rarely got to interact with, but who fell into the "familiar face" category and who I respected for their contributions and dedication. But regardless of which "friendship bucket" people were in, I am profoundly grateful for each one of them and how they impacted my life--in so many different and vitally important ways.

2. The Music. It is true that many of the songs I've sung over the past ten years with the Choir no longer bring me the inspiration or spiritual feelings they once did. That said, there are still several that resonate with my soul (and always will). Some of these include: All People That on Earth Do Dwell, It Is Well With My Soul, The Wexford Carol, Psalm 148, Brother James' Air, Simple Gifts, My Song in the Night, His Voice as The Sound, Nella Fantasia, Alleluia (Caccini), We Thank Thee Lord for This New Day, One Person, Hold On, and Fill the World With Love. These songs and several others lifted me, encouraged me, and made me feel seen and loved. 

3. The Experiences. The experiences that stand out the most to me are three-fold. First, the Christmas concerts. These concerts were always filled with beautiful music, wonder, awe, excitement, and reverence. I will be forever grateful to have been a part of them.
Second, the tours. The tours (despite the stress and difficult emotions they caused) helped provide opportunities to get to know choir members better and to love and serve those around the world. They opened my eyes to the universal power of music on a grander scale.
Third, the many meaningful conversations, hugs of encouragement, and lightheartedness that occurred during the rehearsal/performance breaks are moments that will always be treasured. And now that I think about it, an added fourth to this list would be the unique connection I'd feel standing next to a good friend while singing a soul-resonating song we both loved. It's a feeling that I suspect is impossible to replicate in any other way.

In closing, I could make a rather long list of things I won't miss, haha, but I'd prefer ending my final blog entry on a more positive note. 

One of the most important lessons I've learned during the past ten years is the powerful impact just one person can make. Over and over and over again, it was easy for my brain to side with the seemingly logical argument that because I was only one amongst 400+ other singers, that I didn't really matter--that my voice (and everything that makes me, me) didn't matter. This argument was compounded by decades of shame and self-hatred and voices crying out in my head "Of course you don't matter."

But I do matter!
We all do!

This has been true through my entire journey behind the notes.  
And it will continue to be true in my current faith and life journey to "destination unknown."

ANY TIME we connect with another human being with the intention to uplift, to love, to understand, and to respect, something very meaningful takes place. Perhaps one of the most meaningful things of all.

Thank you so much for adding your witness to this journey I've been on with the Tabernacle Choir. And a special shout-out to my ex-wife, to my children, and to my closest friends. Your love and support have been amazing.

Whether in this life or the next, God be with you 'till we meet again. 🫶

 

PS: To my fellow choir members: my apologies if you felt slighted in me not telling you I was leaving. It just needed to be this way. Thanks for your understanding.