Sweet #1: Singing the songs on the broadcast today. They were all ones I personally loved, particularly "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing." I know that song has received a lot of attention over the years and is beloved by almost everyone I know (5.3 million views on YouTube). But every time I sing it--especially the last verse--my emotions just go berserk and my deepest desire to do God's will is overwhelmingly reaffirmed.
Sweet #2: Watching the "Be One" program over the weekend and not only being thankful for the program's overall message, but seeing some of my fellow Mormon Tabernacle Choir brothers and sisters participate. From talking to some of them, rehearsals for that program were very long and frequent. But they thoroughly enjoyed the end result of being able to sing along side those of other choirs and faiths at the direction of Gladys Knight. (As a side note, I have to say how cool it would be if the MoTab could sing with those robes--just once!)
Sweet #3: Being able to provide encouragement and praise to the new choir members lately. I've had quite a bit of interaction with them and while they appreciate the help, I really appreciate being able to see things from their point of view and being able to feed off of their fresh desire to do their very best at every rehearsal and performance.
Bitter: I normally don't focus on the difficult parts of being a member of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. I like to keep things positive and inspiring, and like to focus on my true gratitude for this incredible opportunity. So forgive me.
As you know, the Choir goes on tour every other year and most choir members are very excited to go. I've gone on the last two--one to the East Coast and one to Europe. My favorite part of tours are the concerts themselves. Everything is memorized, usually nothing is filmed, and this allows us to concentrate on the lyrics and projecting the spirit of the music in a unique way. I absolutely love it.
This year, the Choir is headed to the West Coast and we've been having a lot of extra rehearsals to get ready for the event. As I prayed about whether or not I should go on tour this year, I received the answer that I needed to stay home. There are several reasons I could think of that would support this heaven-sent answer, and there are probably several reasons I don't know about yet. One of the biggest reasons is that this is the last summer with my son Josh before he heads off to college and then a mission, and we've planned a family vacation that will take a lot of my employer-allotted vacation days. Adding 12 more time off days to go on tour just wouldn't be feasible.
At any rate, while I know it's the right thing, I still can't help but feel sad at not being able to go. Really sad. Lately, at these extra rehearsals, often only those going on tour will be asked to stand and sing. Which makes me not even want to be there. (I realize the logical reasons for our director to just want to hear the tour people sing, but logic doesn't always help control emotions) I see people pouring over their travel itineraries, I hear them talk about packing and sight-seeing, I see roommates taking time to plan and get excited together, and I glance through large sections of our weekly newsletter talking about tour, only to have it pounded in that such things don't apply to me. And next week, I'll have to attend the pre-tour concert, only to have my memories take me back to deep and sacred moments (and fun ones, too) of singing that same concert repertoire during my times on tour. Add to that the social media chatter that some people in choir aren't going, on purpose, because they just don't want to--well, it makes me upset. And it makes me more upset when I get the feeling that some are putting me into THAT camp--though nothing could be further from the truth.
"You're being a little dramatic Ryan, aren't you?"
"It's not THAT big of deal, is it?"
"You can look forward to the next one, right?"
"You get two weeks off of choir--wont' that be great?"
Well, OK...thanks.
Life goes on, and I certainly am looking forward to spending time with my family. Of course I love doing that! But will I still miss tour? Absolutely. At least now I'll be able to empathize with others who aren't going for reasons similar to mine, both now, and in the future. And showing empathy to people is a way to lift their burdens--something that brings me joy. So there's that.
I think I'm done.
Thanks for listening.
Until next time, God be with you.
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