TCATS #437 - Reclaiming What's Been Lost

For any of you who have followed my blog for at least the past year or so, it should come as no surprise for me to admit that I've had plenty of Ryan-Choir relationship challenges. For most of the pandemic, I was soooo wanting to get back to Choir to do what I loved (sing uplifting music that inspires others). But for almost two years, that never happened and my longing was in vain. It was a terribly difficult time. Then, at long last, we started up again near the end of September! But it was not a normal start-up. No, it came with covid protocols a-plenty. Which, at least for me, completely obliterated any joy I once felt singing with the choir and turned my two year longings into frustrated lamenting. It's true that at some point those covid protocols were nullified and the Choir resumed "normal" operations. But I personally never quite recovered from it all. My varying negative emotions felt during those still-in-covid-but-singing-anyway months persisted. Yes, there were moments I was able to break out of those emotions and feel a level of peace and gratitude while fulfilling my musical missionary calling. And I'm grateful for those moments. But most of the choir train ride I was on, and still am on, was on the bottom of the valley floors instead of traversing through scenic and beautiful mountain vistas.

While going through all of this, I've been really trying hard to adjust my attitude, to "reinvent" my excitement, to look at oft-repeated songs with fresh eyes, and to remember all of the people out there who are deeply moved & impacted by the product the Choir produces. I feel, though, like a yo-yo that occasionally moves upwards along the winding string but just doesn't have enough momentum to make it clear to the top (and then ends up at the end of the string...spinning, but not going anywhere). I've become too critical, too discontent, and too infatuated with a hope that the Choir will be propelled on this new and exciting trajectory. A trajectory that really only exists in my head. 

How silly of me. 

The formula the Choir has prescribed to for the past 90+ years has "worked". And by most measurements (number of streams, number of YouTube views, etc), the formula continues to work. Some could even argue that the slightly modified formula has taken success to a whole new level. And I would agree that the modifications have indeed helped (using the teleprompter so that viewers can look into our eyes more, finally ditching CDs and embracing streaming platforms, involving choir members more in concert narration--to name a few). So why can't I be content and excited with these improvements and finally recapture the joy I once felt? Why can't I be like the new members of the Choir who are all smiles even when they spend ten hours outside of rehearsals to learn music they are unfamiliar with? Or heck, why can't I be like Choir members who have been in Choir as long as I have and STILL dutifully rehearse on their own time during the week, and who come with bright happy attitudes and who love what they do?

It's got to be me. All me. There is no one else to blame.

I think my goal at this point is to see how the rest of this year goes and then perhaps do some serious re-evaluating. Maybe it's time. Maybe it's time to go quietly into the night. I hope not. But if I can't reclaim what's been lost, the Choir organization would have absolutely no problem replacing me with someone who isn't struggling to reclaim anything. Someone who truly loves to be there. Someone who's smile is completely genuine. And someone who will gladly and wholeheartedly work hard to let his musical testimony shine forth into the hearts of those waiting to receive it. 

How I long to be that person again.

Until next time, God be with you.

TCATS #436 - Surprise Visit + Recognizing Ukraine

To be honest, I was in one of those slumps this week. The songs we sang were nice but most we had sung many, many times before. I was looking for change, something new, something exciting. And yes, I know Choir is not about me. I should always put my personal satisfaction way below the needs of our listeners. And yes, I typically believe that with the right attitude, anything can be great. But I'm sorry...none of that was working for me this week. Call me mortal...call me lazy...call me whatever you'd like. But I did not have it in me to be that choir member--the kind who's excited, so thankful, and incredibly thrilled to be there!

But, there are a few things that touched my heart and I'd like to share them with you.

First, near the end of the rehearsal on Thursday night, Mack mentioned there was a surprise. And as he sort of backed away from the podium, up came none other than Kristin Chenoweth. Her comments were brief, but basically she mentioned she is currently working on improving her relationship with God and wanting to listen to Him more and she said that there were few places she could think of that would help her do that better than being with the Tabernacle Choir. So, she took a chair down in the audience seats and spent time just listening to us rehearse. Granted she kept having to greet various people who wanted to come up to her and say hello, but she did get some time to focus on the music. On Sunday, she attended the broadcast and was much more able to hone in on the music. 

I think it's pretty cool that she chose, out of all the places she could have chose, to spend some time with Tabernacle Choir--all in an effort to improve her spirituality and her relationship with the Divine. I sincerely hope she received what she hoped to receive.

Second, on Sunday right before the broadcast started, Lloyd Newell introduced several guests in the audience who had come to listen to Music & the Spoken Word. Of note was the official National Curling Team of Ukraine who was using some of the facilities in the SLC area to train on. Everyone stood and gave them a round of applause. Then, after the broadcast was over, one of our organists Andrew Unsworth, played a personally arranged version of Ukraine's national anthem. It was very touching and several choir members around me had tears come to their eyes just thinking of what these Ukranians, their country, and their loved ones, have been through given the ongoing war there. 

Third, during one of the songs today--one that I didn't expect to really touch me personally--I felt a very comforting warm feeling as I honed in on the lyrics "Pray, He is there. Speak, He is listening. You are His child, His love now surrounds you." Was grateful for that. 

Soooo....all in all, despite my initial unenthusiastic mood, I'm grateful for how things played out. Whether this mood continues, I can't say. But for today, I'll take what was given me and go with it.

Until next time, God be with you.

TCATS #435 - Questions With No Answers

Being in the Choir now eight years, there are a few questions I've had that seemingly have no answers. And if there ARE answers, I'm not sure who to ask or how to find them. None of these questions are really that big of deal and in the grand scheme of things, they're almost not even worth mentioning. But, as I was thinking about what to write about for today, I thought it might be kind of fun to just mention these questions that pop up in my head every so often on an irregular rotation cycle. So here we go. 

The top ten inconsequential questions with elusive answers (in no particular order).

10. Why is it, exactly, that we start Sunday morning rehearsal at the odd time of 7:25? One would think maybe 7:15 or 7:30. But no, it's 7:25.

9. Why do the men have to double-button their suit coats? The former seating manager and the new one regularly stands in front of the guys holding up two fingers, meaning to button both buttons. From the Business Insider website, we find this interesting fashion advice: "There's a basic rule when it comes to buttoning up a suit jacket: "Sometimes, Always, Never" — if you have a three-buttoned jacket, sometimes button the top one, always button the middle one, and never button the bottom one.  In a two-buttoned suit, you should always button the top button and never the second. Regardless, no matter what kind of suit you're wearing, the bottom button should never be buttoned up."  Hmmmm. 

8. During Music & the Spoken Word, there's always an organ solo in between choir songs. And without fail, it's always a big deal that the Choir sit very slowly without making any sound, during that solo. But why sit at all? At most, our sitting time is maybe 2 minutes. And the fact that we have another sitting break coming up in the broadcast when Lloyd Newell gives the spoken word means that we really don't need that first sitting break. There are times on tour and in concerts when we stand for very LONG stretches of time, certainly much longer than 15-20 min. It would refreshing to never have to fuss about the issue again and that the standard we follow is to just stand for the organ solo.

7. Guests come in to watch us rehearse Thursday evenings and we've started to greet them formally again (after the long covid break where routines got disrupted). But why does the conductor turn around and officially welcome them when the rehearsal is 3/4th of the way over? Most of the guests have left by then anyway so it almost seems pointless.

6. During every rehearsal, each song we sing is recorded at some point so that the team putting together the program for Sunday knows how long each song is and how much over-roll they need to put in and generally how to make things fit nicely into the 28 min. window. Each time we're about to record, why does the director say "Let's 'tape and time' this." ? There's no tape involved. It's all digital. 

5. As with all Church-affiliated institutions, the Choir doesn't permit men to wear beards. Why is this exactly? Ironically, men with beards who meet standards of worthiness can enter the most holy of places (the church's temples), but they can't sing with them in the Choir. And they can't attend BYU with them, and they can't be a missionary with them.....etc. etc.

4. The men's suits have four colors: Black, Dark Grey, Dark Blue, and Dark Blue again (the "Blazer" with famous pop-off button issues). I realize I have no formal training in how to make a large choir look good under the lights, but is having a light colored suit really going to mess up our "look"? As they stand today, the suits are so similar in color, we often have to look at the tag inside them to know exactly which one we need to put on. 

3. More and more, we've seen members of the orchestra use tablets to read their music off of. These seem extremely handy. And working in the music library, I know first hand how time consuming it is to manage all of the sheet music. Is there a particular reason we can't use tablets to learn music from? These would come pre-loaded with all of the music in the entire library and we'd simply pull up what we needed, when we needed it. I almost become giddy with excitement just thinking about it!

2. Why, again, do we not have a "suggestion box"? I know we've been told that since the Choir organization has been in existence for so long, they've thought about everything and always do things for important reasons. While I honestly appreciate that point of view and believe it 95% of the time, I do think choir members have valid suggestions from time to time. Heck, those suggestions don't even need to be answered. Just submitting them and knowing someone actually reads them would be validating enough.

1. Wondering why the wives of the choir presidency never get to be the ones to greet us Thursday nights and Sunday mornings? I'd love to hear more from them, including spiritual thoughts (that are normally shared by their husbands) and how they've helped to contribute to the mission of the Choir.

Please know these aren't gripes or things I get really upset about. Overall, there are so many great things about singing in the Choir that these smaller annoyances aren't that big of deal. No organization is perfect. But the mind is sometimes curious, you know? It wants answers. And while I don't expect to ever get answers to these particular questions, I'm grateful for the therapeutic excercise of typing them up! 

Thanks!

Until next time, God be with you.

TCATS #434 - Foundations of Love

As Utah (primarily) and others throughout the world commemorate the arrival of the Latter-day Saint pioneers to the Salt Lake valley today, I'm tasked with taking some time to truly think about what this day means for me personally. Part of that "thinking about" experience includes recognizing that most of my ancestors from several generations back, were individuals who chose to join the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and thereby accept everything that went along with that choice. In some cases that included leaving their homes in England to come to where the main body of the Saints were in Ohio or Illinois. For most cases, whether immigrants or not, they faced persecution, endured hardships, made sacrifices, and traveled thousands of miles in harsh conditions to finally get to Utah. 

One attribute that I'm positive made all of the difference for them was LOVE. They loved God and their Savior Jesus Christ and their faith in them propelled them forward and made their sacrifices worth it. They loved their fellow brothers and sisters which allowed them to rely on each other when times were tough (and celebrate when times were joyful). And they also loved members of their immediate family--which love was probably the most crucial of all when it came right down to it. 

The Choir just performed a concert last weekend that had love as its theme. I wasn't able to be part of that experience, but I watched the concert later and really appreciated its timely message. (If you haven't seen it yet, I'd highly encourage you to take 1 hour and watch/listen to it) Today, instead of Music & the Spoken Word having the theme of "remembering the pioneers" (which is usually the case this time of year), it instead focused on love, again, and specifically love within families. I appreciated this programming decision as there were certainly plenty of listeners out there who connected more with the theme of love in families instead of remembering pioneers. The beauty of all of the songs we sang today, though, was that they simultaneously related to both themes. "Come, Come Ye Saints", and "They the Builders of the Nation" obviously speak to latter-day saints' pioneer heritage. But the lyrics touch on themes that have love at their roots and can be applied to everyone who's trying to move forward with faith. One of my favorite songs today was "Where Love Is"--not necessarily because I love that song from a musicality standpoint--but it was the way we sang it. In fact, I think this was a Music & Spoken Word FIRST. We all walked towards the center of our respective rows while those in the front went down on the small podium, surrounding Bro. Wilberg and the two orchestra players who joined us playing the harp and the flute. It made for a very intimate rendition of this song. We did this sort of thing for one of the numbers at our last Christmas Concert. But I don't ever remember doing it during a weekly broadcast. At any rate, it was a nice experience and it made me feel like we were more of a choir "family". 

I hope that all of us, just like the pioneers, can center our lives on love. Whether it's loving God or whatever higher power you believe in, loving our neighbors, or loving our immediate (and I'd add, our extended) family members, I know we'll feel happier and probably feel that beautiful feeling of being loved in return. 

And truly, there's no better feeling than to give and receive love.

Until next time, God be with you.

TCATS #433 - Love Thy Neighbor

Two quick things I wanted to share today.

First, I really enjoyed just observing/listening to the broadcast today. As I didn't attend Thursday night's rehearsal, I wasn't eligible to sing in the broadcast. But every so often, it's nice to sit down where the audience sits and see the broadcast from their point of view. It's also fascinating to see how it all comes together from a technical standpoint--all the camera crew working in harmony to provide the myriad of shots and image angles; the support crew making sure the timing happens perfectly and the directors are given the info they need; the sound crew adjusting levels on hundreds of microphones.... the list goes on. That said, the music itself, along with the spoken word today that was all about loving our neighbors, was top notch.

Speaking of loving our neighbors, EVERYONE is invited to participate in this week's concert which is based on the theme LOVE THY NEIGHBOR. There are plenty of tickets left for those who are in the Utah area and want to see it in-person, either Friday night or Saturday night. The other option is to stream it--which you can do by going to the link above and scrolling down to the "Where to Watch" section. 

Some have been asking who the special guest artist is for the concert--since traditionally there has been one. Interestingly enough, not much as been said about the guest artist for this concert--at least not to the choir directly. But on the page linked above, it does mention that there will be a baritone soloist joining us (Shea Owens) and I'm sure he'll do an amazing job.

The theme of this concert couldn't be more timely. Most of the conflicts, tragic events, political discord, disrespect, and divisiveness in the world today all have one thing in common: they believe in hating thy neighbor. The choir's hope is to counteract that by focusing on just the opposite. Please take some time to watch this concert and share its message with others--maybe focusing on those who are holding grudges, working through anger, or don't have a lot of light in their lives right now. We feel this concert can help.

Here's a quick trailer of what you may expect. Feel free to share!

Until next time, God be with you.

TCATS #432 - America from the Outside

Often times my attitude towards the Tabernacle Choir is, to be honest, a self-centered and critical one. "What is the Choir doing for me personally? How come the Choir is doing this or that (and do I agree or disagree)? How come they don't see what I'm seeing? Why is the Choir falling short of my expectations?" 

And so it goes. I'm not proud of that attitude and I try and switch it around when I consciously realize what I'm doing. But then there are times I consciously CHOOSE to be critical.

This week was one of those weeks. At least, it started out that way.

One of the facts that is always on my mind is that the Tabernacle Choir should represent all members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, wherever they might be. Since over half the membership of the Church is outside the United States, I can't help but cringe when we devote a whole broadcast to singing about America. It'd be one thing if we sang about such topics as freedom, liberty, justice, following your dreams, unification, brotherhood/sisterhood, etc. without specifying a country. These are universal themes the cross nationalities and cultures. But when we sing "America, America, God shed His grace on thee," (along with the rest of the lyrics), it just seems we are more exclusionary than inclusionary.

So, because I was a bit miffed we were spending our 30 min broadcast singing about America, AND I wasn't feeling very patriotic anyway, I was all poised to not participate.  But the day before rehearsal, I changed my mind. My sense of duty kicked in (much like Frederic in Pirates of Penzance) and it just made me feel better once the decision was made to participate.

As Thursday and Sunday unfolded, I started to think about a few things.

Could there be people listening to the broadcast who...

...needed to be reminded of the ideal America? 

...wanted to feel the peace from recalling patriotic memories of yesteryear?

... had loved ones who had lost their lives defending the freedoms of this nation?

...simply needed some hope that despite all of America's issues, justice, truth, and freedom could prevail?

...just wanted to enjoy the music not so much for its meaning, but simply from a musicality standpoint? (some of these patriotic pieces are full of emotion and inspiration!)

Ryan Murphy shared with us that his mom, who's from Belgium, absolutely loves this yearly patriotic broadcast because to her, it reminds her of how much joy she and others felt with American soldiers came and liberated them from the Germans during WW2. That got me thinking about another subset of people living in various countries who are thankful for what the US did for them at some point in time.  

Anyway, not to draw this out, but I just gained a better appreciation for what this US-centric broadcast might mean to people all over the world. It might be very positive for them, for reasons listed above and several others I'm sure. And looking at everything from this new lens made the broadcast itself ever the more meaningful and enjoyable to be a part of.

Moral of the story? Try to see the bigger picture. Yes, experiences are about you and that's awesome. But they are so much more, too. 

Until next time, God be with you. 

TCATS #431 - Finding the Good

The one particularly special thing about today's Music & the Spoken Word performance, was that we had the opportunity to perform a Spanish piece--a piece that, from what I've heard, in pretty popular in Hispanic circles. I did a search for it on YouTube and got at least a dozen hits so I think defining it as "popular" can be confirmed. It's called "ALABARÉ" and the version we sang today was arranged by none other than our director Mack Wilberg. I don't think I really loved the piece from a musicality standpoint, but I loved performing it because I just get excited to share music that resonates with people who either speak a different language or live in another country or both. 

The last piece on today's program is one that I really, really didn't like. And as much as I try (really hard!) to take the high road and remember that it's not about me, that we're singing these songs for other people, that songs I personally don't like might very well be someone else's favorite (or the one that inspires them the most), that I need to re-invent the experience each time, etc. etc., sometimes I just fail at that and sort of put on a fake happy smile and just sing the song without much enthusiasm or conviction. Such is what happened today. "On Great Lone Hills", one of the songs from the choral work "Finlandia", is actually a song that's familiar to many people since the hymn "Be Still My Soul" is based on the same tune. I take issue with the song for two reasons. First, the song starts out with this big orchestral intro full of strings and horns and percussion. It's almost like the beginning of one of those Sousa marches. Very grand. That's not my issue. My issue is that it deceptively draws the audience in and leads them to believe that the rest of the song will be just as exciting. BUZZ. Nope. Suddenly the tempo drops, the orchestrations pull way back and the choir sort of plods along singing the song (which leads to the second reason: plodding along). To me it's just sort of...well...boring. At any rate, just as the audience is surely about to fall asleep, the orchestration picks up again and we end with a bang. (For anyone who loves this song, my sincerest apologies. I certainly respect your right to love whatever song you want to love!)

As I left Choir and was thinking all day what to write about in this blog entry, I thought "You know, I should find something good about "On Great Lone Hills" and expound on it." And why not? I think it's a good exercise for all of us to try and find something good in all situations and in all people we interact with. Wouldn't you agree? So after thinking about it, I went to the lyrics of the song and found a few words that actually resonated with me: "all crowned with light."

I believe that most people are crowned with a degree of light. And in this world that is becoming more divisive and divided than ever (a lot of which we've witnessed this weekend), there's no better time to remember God's second great commandment to love others. We don't need to agree with them or endorse their beliefs. But we can accept them by seeing and acknowledging their light--no matter how small it is or how different a hue it is.

We can respect them. 

We can try to find common ground with meaningful conversation and an understanding heart. 

So I hope we can all do that.  

Until next time, God be with you.