TCATS #475 - Just Then

The morning is cold and dark.
The snow softly fell through the night,
Its blanket of white overridden by rain.
It is time. Time to go.

I pause before turning the key,
Already tired.
People are counting on me
So I start the car and begin my journey.

How will it all work out? I wonder.
Will the music lift me today?
Will I feel what I long to feel?
Will I uplift those who need me the most?

The melodies of Christmas rarely fail me.
But I never know.
My mood, my thoughts, my longings
Sometimes muffle the connection.

A warmth grows inside
As the lyrics for this one ring true.
This one, yes, this one
Feeds my soul.

Surrounded by people
I want to connect.
But even as I smile, react, and reply
I must choose instantly: real, mask, or stage?

I know I am loved, genuinely.
My protected heart tries to open
For all the good to come in.
It just doesn't know how.

The crowd stands and applauds.
Some have been truly touched.
Others are just polite.
The conductor's two thumbs up reflect a job well done.

We sing once more
A song just for them.
We connect, lock onto, and promise.
But will we really "meet again"?

Savor the moment, I'm told.
Soon it will all be over.
Yet that just makes me sad.
Look behind, look ahead, hold on.

I belong, but I don't.
I blend in, but stand out.
I want to stay, yet long to run.
I am embraced, but am pushed away.

As I leave, I talk to friends
Savoring the way they validate.
Little do they know
They help keep me alive.

I pause again before turning the key.
Feelings are jumbled, emotions mixed.
I just sang for the world.
But now that's over, and I must go back.

Back to the silent noise.

TCATS #474 - Christmas Broadcasts Commence!

With Thanksgiving come and gone, Music & the Spoken Word  will devote the next five broadcasts to celebrating the light, hope, joy, and magic of Christmas. We started things off right by having the Bells join us. And the seven songs shared today were...

Sussex Carol
English carol; Arr. Mack Wilberg

Whence Is That Goodly Fragrance Flowing?
French carol; Arr. Mack Wilberg

I Saw Three Ships (organ only)
English carol; Arr. Richard Elliott

Still, Still, Still
Austrian carol; Arr. Mack Wilberg

Carol of the Bells (bells only)
Ukrainian carol; Arr. Kevin McChesney

Noe! Noe!
French carol; Arr. Mack Wilberg

O Come All Ye Faithful
attr. John F. Wade; Arr. Mack Wilberg

It's really difficult to pick favorites when it comes to songs featured on these Christmas broadcasts. There are just so many good ones. For today though, I think the one I enjoyed singing the most was "Noe! Noe!" (take a listen HERE).  It's a very upbeat and joyful song and was one I just needed to hear today. (fun fact: the word "noe" is a latinization of the word "noel" which means birth of Christ or born on Christmas). 

After the broadcast, we went right into working on more Christmas songs for our upcoming concert. We still have two that we haven't even seen yet. And there's one new one today that we went through. 

The Christmas Concert seating chart came out this week and I will have the privilege of sitting next to Wes and Dave. I sat next to Wes last year for the Christmas Concert and feel grateful we get a round #2. Dave and I go way back to BYU Concert Choir days, so it's always fun to sit next to him, too. 

On a more contemplative note, I'm always thinking these days about my Choir experience and how long it will ultimately last. I have a lot of unresolved issues with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and I don't have a lot of hope that those issues will be resolved any time soon. In fact, they just seem to be growing. It creates sort of this incongruence problem as I try to put my whole heart and soul into the Choir experience while knowing the Choir and the Church are linked so tightly together. Fortunately for me I suppose, many of the songs we sing week to week are tied to the gospel of Jesus Christ itself--and not the institutional Church. Most of the gospel I can get behind  and truly believe in. But since the Choir represents the Church, it still makes it difficult. I don't know... I'm just trying to be honest and transparent here in letting you know it's a struggle. One that I don't know how to resolve and one that causes uncomfortable dissonance, often. 

We'll see where my journey takes me. 

OK. As I do every year, I wanted to give you some links to some great Christmas music resources. I hope you can incorporate these into your Christmas experience this year. Whether you're wanting a deeper relationship with Christ or wanting to re-live good memories of the past or just want to FEEL whatever uplifting/spiritual/sentimental/heart warming emotions Christmas music stirs up, I'm certain these resources can help. And let's face it. Songs on the radio like "Santa Baby" or "All I Want for Christmas Is You" may have their place in the secular celebration of Christmas, but there is more. 

Much more.

May you find what your soul needs during this Christmas season.

Until next time, God be with you. (Resources below)

 

Tabernacle Choir Christmas Playlists
(HERE (Spotify) and HERE (Apple))

Heartwarming Christmas videos (HERE)

TCATS #473 - Craig Jessop

Today's Choir experience was unique in three ways.

First, because of M. Russell Ballard's funeral on Friday, the stage area in the Tabernacle was transformed into more of a hierarchical podium which resulted in absolutely no room for the orchestra. As such, the songs we sang this week were accompanied by the organ (kudos to the organists who quickly adjusted and were able to make this work at a moment's notice!). 

Second, as luck would have it, I woke up this morning and my right front tooth's veneer had broken off. Which left me with just half a tooth! Let me tell you how excited I was to smile today--not! I think I was able to hide it fairly well but conversation with others was awkward as I tried not to say very much--and singing itself was challenging too because I wanted to keep my upper lip from going up too high on my face thus exposing my half tooth. Ug. I suppose the only good thing about it was that I became very grateful (very quickly) for teeth that look normal and realized how much confidence is tied to the ability to make facial expressions as needed without being embarrassed. 

Third, and most important, was that we had a guest conductor today, Brother Craig Jessop. Craig was the conductor of the Tabernacle Choir from 1999 to 2008. It was delight to be conducted by him today. He's a very kind and loving person who cares passionately about the music, but even more passionately about the people singing the music. He just seriously radiated love. At rehearsal Thursday night, he took some time to speak of his time as conductor and why he specifically chose the songs that we performed, today. During our rehearsal this morning, Mack shared his love of Craig and named a few significant things Craig did to help further the mission of the Choir during his tenure. He said that Dr. Jessop was a man of vision with talents to implement his visions which helped shape the Choir into what it is today. Anyway, I was very much uplifted by the whole experience (despite being self-conscious of my tooth issues). 

Craig Jessop

Our learning of Christmas music is in full-swing! As is the case every year, we have SO many pieces to become familiar with. This coming Sunday, we'll start work on a processional that will be part of the concert (I won't say more so as to keep the details a surprise). Learning that will take considerable time so we've been asked to spend as much outside time as possible learning the pieces and even memorizing the words to some since we won't always have access to the teleprompters.  Of course my favorite day in all of this preparation is the Tuesday and Wednesday of the actual concert week when we finally see all the parts and pieces come together. It's all very magical and a highlight of my overall Christmas experience.

Until next time, may God be with you.
 

While singing "Did You Think to Pray"

TCATS #472 - Back!

There's a well-known saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." And indeed, in the case of me taking an eight week break from the Tabernacle Choir, that saying turned out to be true. I have to admit that part of me was a bit sad during the break--mainly, I think, because I missed my Choir friends. But I have no regrets with my decision. 

It was needed. 

During my time off, amidst dealing with personal issues, I was able to think about the mission of the Choir and my role within that mission. And I came to the conclusion that even though I am struggling with a lot of things right now which sometimes influence my attitude, my devotion, and captious tendencies, I do have a love for the core gospel of Jesus Christ. So if nothing else, I can always remember that when I sing. 

Perhaps that is enough, for now.

Honestly, in any relationship, there's a give and take. And at this point in my life, I may need to take more from the choir then I'm giving back. I need my friendships. I need hugs and smiles. I need conversation that uplifts and sustains my hope. I need to feel part of something that has a worthwhile cause. I need to feel unity. And I need to be around people whom I can help. 

Speaking of helping others, the Lord was kind enough to give me some experiences and some opportunities to help others while I was away from Choir:

*Met with a friend who just wanted to hear more about my story and then ask for advice on how to combat loneliness. We had a good tearful discussion about that and he was grateful for the perspective.
*Met with a choir member who ended up coming out to me. He just needed a safe space to talk about the challenges he’s dealing with.
*I got a text from a loved one who said he wanted to call me and talk about some things he’s been dealing with.  He thanked me for sharing my coming out story many months ago and then said he struggles with his own sexual identity (he falls within the queer spectrum). He wanted some tips on how to move forward and it was a good discussion.
*Attended a Christ-centered LGBT conference (“GATHER”) and learned some things to help me in my journey. Met some good friends as well. One in particular said he had been praying to meet someone he could really talk to—as was glad I ended up being that person.
*Helped a loved one start therapy that has been a very positive experience for him.
*Have been helping my wife deal with some health issues and what was, at the time, a liver cancer scare (turned out it was benign).
*Got a text from another choir member who has been really kind and loving with my situation, but also was thankful for apparently giving him the courage to face some things he’s been needing to deal with.
*Was able to arrange a trip with my family to Puerto Vallarta and feel joy from seeing my kids have such a good time.

Have felt very grateful to be able to help.

As the Choir heads into the Christmas Concert prep season, I feel more motivated to do my part and learn well the songs we'll be sharing with the world. While this time of year is particularly hard for me in many ways, I always look forward to these Christmas Concerts as a time to just bask in all of the goodness that has come from Christ being born into this world. Whether you're religious or not, no one can really argue that the ideals Christ taught and stood for--such as loving others, being kind, seeking out the unfortunate and misunderstood, serving your neighbor, and seeking truth--aren't universally applicable to all women and men. It's also true that the world would be a better place if everyone personally invested in those ideals. The Christmas Concerts always give me a measure of hope that such ideals will be sought after more urgently by all. 

Before closing this post, I again want to thank all of those who have been so very kind and loving to me at this point in my life. I've felt overwhelmed with support. All of you who have sent texts, offered prayers, engaged in conversation, sent uplifting songs to listen to, given advice, and have just listened with love....THANK YOU.

You are the best humanity has to offer!

Until next time, God be with you.

TCATS #471 - Leave

Hello Friends! I realize it's been awhile since my last post and you may be wondering if I plan on posting more regular updates moving forward. The short answer to that question is "No".  Things in my personal life have culminated in such a way that I need to take a break from Choir. Coming out as gay, going through a divorce (amicable as it is), and experiencing a level of Choir burnout, has taken a toll on my mental health and my ability to feel like I'm effectively contributing to the Choir's mission. My hope during the next two months is to get to a place where I love Choir again and find joy in the songs we sing--even the ones we've sung fifty times. I'm not expecting me to love ALL songs (if we never sang "I Think the World is Glorious" ever again, I would certainly shed no tears), nor am I expecting that every single Choir rehearsal or performance will be magical as perhaps it once was during my first three years. But I do want to be able to focus more on the people hearing these songs. After all, these people, our world-wide audience members, may not exactly recognize all of what they're hearing. But if they were to analyze the sound coming at them and (hopefully) into their hearts, they'd discover that the sound contains 400 individual voices, each with their own convictions and experiences and love of the Savior. They'd also be able to detect variations in that "standard". And I know lately that I've been a variation. I've taken away from, rather than added to, that standard. 

As I've been going through the depths of these current hardships I've been experiencing, I do want to say thank you to all of those who have reached out with love and support. It's really been overwhelming. You have exemplified the best in humanity and in Christianity. While it's difficult for me to actually feel the sincerity of your compassion (a lifetime of being mired in shame will do that to a person), I logically know it's real--and it's humbling. So thank you. 

Being a fan of the choir, you are most likely familiar with what the rest of the year holds. Up next is General Conference and after that is the Christmas Concert (guest artist to be announced in the weeks to come). The beginning of 2024 will be a very busy one as we prepare music for our next tour in February (to what I think will be the Philippines, though the Choir Presidency continues to say "Southeast Asia"). I'm planning to go on that tour should I be selected, but we'll see where I'm at. 

Until next time (mid-November), God be with you.

TCATS #470 - Three Notables

Hello my friends. Just wanted to check-in with some recent thoughts--three thoughts, to be precise!

The first thought was regarding the Music & the Spoken Word broadcast last week. For those who saw/listened to it, you surely noticed the absence of traditional patriotic music that has normally been part of this annual Independence Day "special". The one patriotic song we did sing was "Battle Hymn of the Republic"--though it could be argued that even though this song is considered patriotic by many (and indeed came about because of the civil war and the abolitionists decrying slavery ("let us die to make men free...")), it's also a very religious song that talks about what God and Christ have done for each one of us. At any rate, I personally had some mixed emotions about it all. On a general level, I've always thought that because the Tabernacle Choir represents a global Church, it shouldn't cater its programming to celebrate just one particular country. That said, I am a big fan of utilizing US holidays as launching points into themes such as freedom, justice, remembering our loved ones, celebrating mothers and fathers, and gratitude (to name just a few). So, I think it was the right call to center the program on the theme of FREEDOM. Here's an excerpt from the spoken word:  "Freedom, it is often said, is not free—either to obtain or maintain. And what is the price of freedom? Well, certainly freedom of expression comes with the price of kindness and civility, even toward those who express views we don’t share. The price of freedom of worship must include respect for religions and faiths besides our own. The price of freedom from want includes sacrificing and serving those in need. And the price of freedom from fear surely includes facing our fears with faith and courage.  Freedom is not just a feeling or an institutional pronouncement. Freedom is found in what we do each day, in the efforts and actions of free people: respect, compassion, peacemaking, and understanding. It’s true, freedom is not free. But as long as you and I are still willing to pay the price, the future of freedom is bright."

Pretty awesome right? No mention of the United States (good), just mention of an important word and its applicable/relatable, universal meanings: freedom. 

My only lament in what was sung for that program was "I Think the World is Glorious". Sigh. I just really don't like that song. Ah well. I'm sure plenty of people do. 

My second thought was regarding the fact that today we celebrated the anniversary of Music & the Spoken Word and have officially launched into our 94th year!  In 2029, we'll celebrate 100 years. In honor of that anniversary, we sang "The Morning Breaks"--which was a song sung at the first MSW so many years ago.

My third thought is that this week is our Summer Concert! All of you who live close, now is the time to get your tickets. And if you don't live close by, you can catch the live stream on Saturday night. All the info on this fun event can be found HERE. 

That's it! But before I go, I just wanted to share something I relearned today. Typically, being the introvert I am, I go to Choir and hope that during the non-singing time--like the breaks we have, or the before and after) people just come to me (not a lot of people! but just enough people that I feel validated and loved). That doesn't always work so well. So, today I decided to proactively reach out to others and it ended up being a good experience. At least three good conversations wouldn't have happened...and who can put a price on a good, uplifting conversation? It might just turn your whole day around.

Until next time, God be with you.

TCATS #469 - 2023 Mexico Tour

As they often say in show business, "It's a wrap!"

The Tabernacle Choir and Orchestra at Temple Square has finished their week long tour in Mexico City--and the Choir Presidency has concluded that our mission objectives were achieved. I almost feel silly trying to add my two bits about the tour because SO MUCH has already been published about it. If you're a fan of the Choir (which I assume you are), then you've surely watched or read all about the tour already. (See HERE, HERE, HERE, and HERE if you want a refresher)

Because of the extensive media coverage, I won't be providing a play-by-play of the tour, or even an overview of it since you can get that information elsewhere. What I do want to provide is some of my personal thoughts about it and maybe share an experience or two that you won't likely read about anywhere else.

First, my personal thoughts: 

I had a lot of excitement going into this tour experience. I knew that the concerts themselves were going to truly help bring peace, light, and hope to the Mexican people--and I was excited to lend my particular voice and testimony to the collective voices of the Choir and Orchestra to make that happen. I was also excited to spend time with other choir members; I was excited to have Wes as my roommate; I was excited to see a different people and culture; and I was excited for what I'd learn. 

Along with excitements though, I had a lot of fears too. I was afraid my emotional energy would fail; I was afraid I'd be put in situations where I'd have to pick between spending time with person A or person B (and then letting down whoever I didn't pick); I was afraid the food wouldn't sit well with my sensitive stomach; I was afraid that I wouldn't a good enough roommate; I was afraid that I'd get too "peopled-out" (being the introvert I am); and I was afraid that, looking ahead, I'd have a really hard time coming back to my current life situation. 

Thankfully the excitements were enough to help offset the fears. And though many of the fears did come to pass in one degree or another, God was there for me. Which made all the difference. 

Two experiences....

#1: As choir and orchestra and staff members began to get sick (and there were many of them), there were suddenly a lot of ministering opportunities to be had. Whether it was giving priesthood blessings, making runs to the nearby convenience store to get Gatorade, foregoing scheduled sight-seeing events just to be there for the ill, or even simply giving words and hugs of encouragement, I (along with many, many others of course) found  joy in trying to help. I must admit though, that when I tried putting myself in the shoes of the sick, I wondered what my emotional/spiritual response would have been. I kept thinking "Are those who are sick and in pain wondering why they even came on tour? Are they a bit frustrated with God that their preparations and faith seemingly weren't "enough" to allow them to do what they came to Mexico City to do? Do they wish they never came? How are they making sense of it all?" It was hard, emotionally, to think about the potential complexities. 

So I took the opportunity to ask one of my good friends what he was thinking about it all (he had gotten sick fairly early on and had to miss the first concert in Tuluca). And he said something I found to be really insightful. He said that he looked at this unanticipated turn of events as simply a "mission transfer". In other words, at first his mission was to come to Mexico and sing at the concerts--including this first one in Toluca. But for that particular day, his mission had simply changed. And while he didn't know yet what that change would entail, he was eager to find out. 

I just sat there in awe. Dumbfounded, really.
What an awesome perspective!
(I know for certain that would not have been my response.)

#2: While waiting behind stage to eventually go onto the stage, I had been contemplating the day and lamenting some things I had done earlier. I was also beginning to doubt a blessing my dad had given me before the tour about staying healthy. “Why would God want to sustain that blessing given my weak faith and all the mistakes I make?” Not a second after I thought that though, a voice came into my head that still chokes me up as I sit here and think about it. It said “Ryan, it doesn’t matter what you’ve done or who you are. I love you. And don’t forget it!” The voice was so distinct and so clear that it took me by surprise. As I walked on stage and began to sing songs centered on the tour's theme of HOPE, I'd like to think that my contribution to those listening was hearing a renewed conviction of God's love for all of Their children. After all, hope is felt more powerfully and definitively when it's coupled with a knowledge that you are loved.

Before ending, I wanted to include a few quick gratitude shout-outs and also post a few pics I took on tour.  I'm thankful for all the many, many people who worked behind the scenes to make tour happen. Thankful for the Mexican audiences that are truly the BEST audiences (the love that came from them was simply stunning). Thankful for Ron Gunnell giving us a fascinating fireside on the process of securing guest artists for our Christmas concerts. Thankful I got to see some beautiful cathedrals, the pyramids at Teotihuacan, and various local landmarks. Thankful for the fun time and conversations I had with friends--including a last-minute adventure with my roommate to find a churro, haha. And I'm thankful for the various individuals who ministered to me and my needs in the very moment I needed them to (you know who you are). 

Ah--and one more thing. You are all invited to attend (or tune into) the Summer Concert that we'll be putting on mid-July. The wonderful, spirited Adassa will be joining us and we'll be sharing a lot of music we sang on tour. You won't want to miss it!

Until next time, God be with you.

 

Checking out the sites not far from our hotel

Right after our concert in Toluca. Waiting for the buses!

Wes and I waiting for the elevator from the 15th floor

A shot of my friend Jason at the Toluca Botanical Gardens

Enjoying the beautiful gardens

Had to get a pic of my friend Sean Taylor (who I swear looks like Goose from Top Gun!)

Evan, Mike, Ben, Jeremy, and I headed to see a cathedral

Huge, beautiful, and ornate cathedral in Zocalo

My view in the Toluca Cathedral where we performed

The three amigos

Having lunch before seeing the pyramids

Great time hearing this mariachi band

Wes and I at the Teotihuacan pyramids

The Auditorio Nacional advertising our concert!

View of us singing at Sat night's concert

Looking out at the audience who turned on their phone lights

Lunch on Sunday (a view looking down at everyone eating)

Another view of our concert

Patrick and I riding back to the hotel after our last performance

Wes wanted so badly to find a churro...And we did!

Wes, Matt, and I at the Cathedral in Toluca